


rax is a rock

by lunaslovelies



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Other, cup x keith, i cant write crackfic, i mean maybe they'll get their own chapters who knows, joey x rax, plus simi nugget kris faith faith zori lee maddie and deku make some cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-06-29 03:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15720615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaslovelies/pseuds/lunaslovelies
Summary: a series of crackfics featuring the characters of voltron: legendary defender and some other random bois.





	1. pebbles will take over

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cloudtea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudtea/gifts), [amilkypiggy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amilkypiggy/gifts).



> im so bad at writing i can't even write a crackfic properly. dedicated to the leakira discord server. nsfw.

"i'm sad,,,, uWu" joie cried out loud!!1!1! "all my friend left me." joeY pciked up a pebble from the floor of Balmera Beech. it had a lot of pebbles so many pebble. joeeeee pulled arm back and threW pebble into water. "liCk! take that, pebble biiTCH!"

goey picked up another pebble. there were so many pebble. **pebble will take over. just u wait!!!!!!!!** this was a big pebble. pebble was big. (foreshadowing???) the pebble shrieked. "what the fUck?" said Unnamed Pebble. joei paid Unnamed Pebble's shriek no attentoin. joEE threw Unnamed Pebble into water.

"ouchie!" Unnamed Pebble said. he splash into water with a big **_SPLONK!!_**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" joe shreiked. the pebbles were taking over!!  
  
"bOi" said Unnamed Pebble. the pebble was scarie,, but joiE liked it.  
  
"you're so hot! uWu!!!" joie said loudly.  
  
"how the fUck did you say uWu out loud?" Unnamed Pebble said stiffly.  
  
"how the fuck did you just say uWu out loud? oWo." joeie said roughly.  
  
"fuck." Unnamed Pebble said hardly.  
  
"ok." joeiy said gruffly.  
  
"no u don't even know my name bitch" Unnamed Pebble said harshly.  
  
"what's your name joyie said rockily."  
  
"rax." said Unnamed Pebble. he now had a name. it was Rax. "why did you say 'joyie said rockily?' uWu!! and how the fuck did you pronounce joyie?"  
  
"how the fuck did YOU pronounce joyie?!" joieieieieieieieii said.  
  
"fucK." rax said. "hits blunt."

joey walked into the ocean. he helped pull rax out ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) of the water. **splash! splash! splash!** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) the igneauos rock smiled at joeyie. he put his hand on gooieie's shoulder. "thank you for saving me bihtc." rax said smirkily. "you're my hero!"  
  
"no problem!!" goeieie said happily. they had to be kind to pebbles. or pebbles would take over world.  
  
"no one has ever saved me before. uWu. i'm not worth it." rax said shyly, looking down at his rok feet and his roc schlong.  
  
"uWu you're worth it!!" gooey said lovingly. gooie's face blushed.  
  
"no!!! i will never be good enough as the rock icon." rax blushed too slyly shyly.  
  
"who is the rock icon???" goeiei asked alarmedly. rax took a deep breath.  
  
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEZE IN." he was getting himself ready. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEZE OUT." rax was nervous. he didn't want to say the rock icon's! name. but he had to. he had to do it for Rax!! wait, he was Rax. **he had to do it for JOEYYY!!** "okay." Rax said to himself happily. "one more wheeze." _he WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEZED_ in and out. "therock icon. ISSSSSS"  
  
DRUMROLL drUMROLL DRUMROLL DTUMRO  
  
rax wHEEEEZED one more time. "dwayne the rock johnson."  
  
"uWU!" joeieiyiio said. "you're just as good as dwayne the rock johnson." joeoieieoise stabbed a finger into rax's rock-hard abs. "he is a rock. but you—" joie smiled. "you are a **boULDER.** i just made that really gay. im gay bitch."  
  
"BITCH ME TOO." said ~~kris~~ rax.  
  
joieieie made a decision and kissed rax on his mouth flaps.  
  
rax kissed back. his lips were hard. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). the kiss got more intense!1!1!1!1! jooeieiei felt something hard poking below. "rax, are u hard bro?"  
  
"i'm always hard. i'm a boULDEr uWu." rax said proudly. "wow we're so far apart." said joieieieieieieieheieigeieiei curiously. "we're standing so far apart! how long is your schlong???"  
  
rax sighed. he knew this question was coming. "hello?" joeieieieieiie said. joeieieieiei was getting impateitnt. rax WHEEEZED again. he knew telling joeyakjfkwlejgklrgje would make both of them happy. he took a deep breath. he would need it.  
  
"my schlong," rax started. "is..." he took another WHEEEEEZe.  
  
"123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829123819208419048192048120981904812904819085913084192853271809571829."  
  
"ok." joieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee said. and they lived happily rockily lovinly smirkily hardly ever after.


	2. who needs to be able to see when you've got balmerica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the same shitty writing, but this time, cup x keith!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is literally pure word vomit and not fixing typos so it's probably not even funny bUT HERE YOU GO ANYWAY IT'S STILL NSFW BUT NOT EXPLICIT K THANKS BABES <3

*ding! ding! ding!* cup's toasted dinged. he went to retrieve his toast from the depths of hell. "ouchie!" he exclaimed! "that's hot!"  
"just like you, babe" keith, his boyfriend (!!!) said. he was sitting at the kitchen table with his arm over ze chair, like the cool, emo spicy bOi he was :')  
"wow what was super gay" cup exclaimed agaigain!  
"i'm super gay for you" if you, the beautiful, vivacious, amazing, fantastic, licky, reader who should not be cursing their eyes with this shitty crackfic, are wondering why keith has no punctuation, i, the writer of this shitty crackfic who apparently has nothing better to do with her life, wIll. tEll. yOu. wHy! (it's bc he's an emo spICY bOi).  
"uWu!" cup uwu-ed!! "i lvoe you babe! uwu!"  
"stop saying uwu bitch" emo spicy boi said. "BUT I LOVE YOU TOO UWU" keith's eyes sparkled like he was in a fucking anime.  
"bitch your eyes can't sparkle you're only from a fake anime uwu"  
"get your gay toast you uwu"  
"okie uwu ♥w♥!!"

  


cup and keith went to a picnic in balmerica fifty-seven seconds later with all of their best babes and buds. "cupcupcupcupwhatdoidoraxisflirtingwithmehelp" cup's best friend jong said.  
cpu replied with: "uh oh jong, you gonna die!"  
"No, dude, what the fuck, Kyle?" jong said,  
"um, my name's cup, not ky—"  
"No, what did you say, dude?"  
"what?"  
"What the fuck, dude?"  
"i—"  
"Step the fuck up, Kyle."  
"ok first of all bud the name's cup. second of all, wha t t he fuck"  
"what the fuck to you, too, kyle." jong said.  
"my name's not—"  
"why would i die if rax was flirting with me??? what the fuck, kyle?"  
"i've literally known you for three weeks what the fuc— ok aNYWAY i thought you hated the guy!" kyle said.  
jong raised their eyebrows. they raised their eyebrows so high that their eyebrows reached the astral plane and said hi to shiro. in fact, jong's eyebrows went so high into the astral plane that they suck shiro tiddie milk. "um, no, rax can raw me ;^)" jong said flirtily. "we're actually together. married in fact. and we have kids. his dick tastes like earthy soil and cucumbers."  
"why did you need to tell me that your boyfriend's dick tastes like a fucking salad?"  
jong smiled sadly at cup. he would never get it. "kyle, my boyfriend's dick doesn't just taste like a fucking salad. it tastes like a fucking five course meal."  
"MY NAME ISN—" cup started to shout, but it was too late. joey was already skipping towards their rocking boyfriend with red eyes mmmmmm.

  


"did jong just—" simi called, while straddling her boyfriend kin-cad-ay.  
"...joey just eyeball blushed." lance sHOUTED WHILE CRADLING NUGGET IN HIS ARMS.  
"rax: exists" faith began, looking at her babes and buds with a knowning look.  
"joey: EYEBALL BLUSHES" KRIS SHOUTS WHILE HOLDING HANDS WITTH THEIR BABE ROMELLE  
"HELMET BLUSH" OTHER FAITH SAID  
"strap oN BLUSH" ZORI SHOUTED IN HER GREAT ACCENT.  
"dicc blush!!" nugget shouted from lance's arms.  
everyone else started shouting dicc blush too. it was creepy, like they were trying to summon some other worldly spirit named... "Dicc Blush?"  
"dicc blush, _dicc blush_ , dicc blusH, diCC bLUSH, DICC BLUSH." EVERYONE SHOUTED. THEIR SHOUTING REACHED A CRESCENDO, IT WAS SO LOUD THAT IT COULD STILL BE HEARD IN THE ASTRAL PLANE, (WHERE eyebrow suck shiro tiddie milk was still occuring.)  
cup sighed, looking around at the cult that was chanting about pink dicks. he shook his head. keith noticed and stopped chanting. "babe are you ok?" keith said. "are you mAd?"  
cup sighed again and looked into the sunset dramatically. flipping his short hair like he was prince lactose. "i'm not mad," he said. "just disappointed."  
"Hi, not mad, I'm Dad!" a random voice called from above. everyone screeched, and ducked (milk), looking up for the random voice.  
"what the fuck was that?" maddie said.  
"it worked!" lee said. she gazed up, toward the astral plane ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) in wonder. "we summoned dicc blush." yummy yummy in my tummy!  
deku listened to lee's words and grinned devilishly, and everything got one shade darker because evil approaches.

  


keith looked at his boifriend concernedly. "hey babe are you ok?" he cradled cup's face in his arms. "we can have a bonding moment (teeee em) later."  
"i'm okay." cup said. "and yeS WE CAN HAVE A BONDING MOMENT."

  


two hours later, everyone leaves the picnic, except for jong's eyebrows. we all know where those were. cpu and keith r in coranada, @@ cup's hosue!! they're both in bed, having tied each other up and jsut siting there. "sweetheart what happened to our bonding moment,," keith said, looking at cup with uwu eyes. this night was not going how he planned :(((((  
"i don't know, my emo spicy boi" said cup staring at his uwu boi's eyes.  
they sat in silence, thinking that they should break up!!! oh no!!!!!! uwu. they sat for four more housr in sadness, until cup came up with a great idea.  
"babe babe babe" mug in a basket nearly shouted!! "i have an idea>"  
"keith was eager to hear his idea." he said "good idea ahread??" (uh yeah i sure hope it does)  
"YES!" CUP NEARLY SCREAMED. "r u ready for my amaxing idae?"  
"YES." KIEH SCREAMED BACK  
"TONGUE PUNCH MY FART BOX." said mug finally. keith raised his eyebrows and kissed his boyfriend. that was such a great idea, he was definitely going to purple alien cum tonite.


End file.
